Battling depression and anxiety

I have given a lot of thought to how to type down today’s post. Maybe it was a combination of fear of feeling judged, exposed or perhaps vulnerable.

 

There is no easy way to break this down for you:

“I am not okay. The truth is I have been diagnosed with depression. Yes, me. And this is not my first time battling it.”

 

I couldn’t help but notice this topic is an absolute taboo in all social media. It is a taboo because it’s not especially happy and positive. I have never seen a Facebook status that reads “I can’t get out of bed because I am depressed”. People, including myself, tend to unconsciously walk away from anything negative. However, that is not life. Life has both: negative and positive. Life has ups, downs, sadness, happiness, anger, excitement, tears, smiles, and laughs. Rejecting negativity is basically rejecting a basic part of human nature and, therefore, a part of who we are.

Reality is, most bloggers try to embellish our daily lives and upload the perfect photos on our Instagram accounts; where we pretend to have a perfect life. Well, I say this is not right. Having depression, not talking about it and expecting things will just fix themselves is like putting a plaster on your chest expecting that will cure a broken heart. It will not cure by itself. The first step to overcoming it is talking about it. Making this topic a taboo makes it harder for people to talk out and seek for help.

Now, let me break down one more fact: depression is not feeling sad or upset about something. This is a myth. Depression is living with a feeling I can’t even begin to describe. To me, depression is like being dragged inside a very deep tunnel. The deeper I am in the tunnel, the less strength and energy I have to walk out of it. And I know am the only one who can save me from leaving that dark place. When I stay silent about my struggle and keep everything to myself, I give it power to get through me. I stop controlling how I feel and my thoughts take me to really horrible places. Depression took the wheel of my life and it dragged me to a dangerous place.

I remember feeling very overwhelmed when I saw a group of friends laughing and I asked myself “how do they do it?”. It hit me then that I did not remember how it felt like to be happy. In fact, I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed my heart out. My next thought was “Is this the way I will be living my life?” and “is it worth it?”. Depression took over my thoughts. My feelings and emotions were out of control.

When did I start to feel better? My mum saved me both times. She knew something was not right with me and she convinced me we should see a doctor together and try to find a solution as a team. I seeked for help and I did everything I could and beyond to recover and look after my wellbeing.

And as crazy as this might sound, I have learnt a lot of positive lessons out of depression. I became much stronger. I wouldn’t know the meaning of hope if it wasn’t for depression. The same way I wouldn’t appreciate happiness as much as I do if I didn’t go through this experience. There would be no positive without all of this negative.
I am currently preparing a video for Mind the Shoes’ YouTube channel, where I will be talking about my experience and I will be sharing with you some advice to help people who are going through the same experience and/or who can relate to me.

I can say I am now starting to regain control over my life and I am positive about my recovery, but the battle is not over and I genuinely needed to open up with you.

 

Thanks so much for reading me today and also for the support some of you have shared with me on my social media. It meant a lot to me.

 

Yours sincerely,
Fatima

 

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